Learning to Fall
by ME LOVEY JAZZY
Summary: What happens to Jacob after the Bella and Edward's wedding. Non BD compliant. Songfic to Learning to Fall by Boys Like Girls. WARNING: Implied Suicide, it just depends on how you read it. You decide how it ends. Please R&R!


Learning to Fall

**A/N:** Hi my people! Yeah, I know that you're waiting on updates for other stuff, but I was listening to the song and the idea kind of snuck up on me. I wrote this while I was bread high (yes, high off of bread! Don't ask), so if it goes kind of all over the place you know why. Okay, well please read ad review!

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Twilight or _Learning to Fall _By Boys like Girls...unfortunately

**WARNING:** Implied suicide. It just dpends on how you read it. You can decide how it ends.

Do you ever feel worthless? Like you can't do anything right, like nothing good ever happens to you, it was almost as if you were hand picked out of a billion people to have the bad day today?

Yeah, well I'm having one of those days, or months if you prefer. Today has been the worst day of my life. Today, my best friend, Bella, got married. But she didn't get married to me, no sir; she married a filthy, stinking, repulsive, nauseating, obnoxious, blood sucking, leech named Edward Cullen.

Don't get me wrong, it was so amazing to see her so happy; so happy to see me again. She was so happy it was painful for me to let go of her. I don't know why it hurt to see her so happy, it just did; I knew the day was going to come at one point, but I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. But, she was happy for other reasons, too. And the thing is, I wasn't the only reason. No, I'm not some arrogant son of a wolf who thinks the world of himself, I'm just me. I'm just Jacob, and that's all I'll ever be.

I feel so miserable, like I know that I could have stopped it if I had just actually _tried_ to stop it. I could try and find someone else to love, but it just wouldn't be the same. And I can't just keep following around Quil and Claire, or Embry and Liv, or Seth and Sara all the time. Let's face it; nobody likes to be the third wheel. It just seems like the cost of misery is too much to go through; it's so emotionally draining.

_Today is the day  
The worst day of my life  
You're so content it hurts me  
I don't know why  
The cost of misery  
Is at an all time high  
I keep it hidden  
Close to the surface in sight_

I feel like I'm learning to fall. I always have this feeling inside of me, this feeling of worthlessness. I feel like I'm suffocating, like everything is closing in around me. I can't even explain it, but then again, you probably wouldn't understand. It doesn't matter though, so long as she's happy. She doesn't need to worry about me, I'll be out of her life again soon enough.

"It should've been you, Jake." Quil said to me. I didn't need to know that, scratch that, I didn't _want_ to know.

"Jake, it should have been you, y'know." Embry mumbled.

I knew that they felt sorry for me, but I didn't want their pity. They didn't know what it was like to have your heart ripped out; they all had decent love lives. I don't think it should have been me; she deserved to be happy with whoever she wanted. I guess it just wasn't me that she wanted, or needed.

"Jacob, are you okay? I know it hurts. I'm speaking from experience." Sara, Seth's girlfriend said to me. "I know what it's like to have something you love, or even think you love be ripped away from you by another person. And the worst part is that it happened right in front of my own nose, but I just was too blind to recognize it."

I just shook my head. I just didn't want the pity; though I'm sure she was just being sympathetic.

_I'm learning to fall,  
I can hardly breathe.  
When I'm going down don't worry about me;  
Don't try this at home,  
You said you don't see,  
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me._

Is she really married to him now? I keep hoping that it's just a lie. I want it to be a lie so bad. Or even a joke, y'know the kind that goes on for a while and then everyone jumps out and says tells me that I've been pranked or something. But with everyday that goes by I lose more hope.

He never did get her the way I did. I think there will always be a part of her that he will never understand. But she would do anything for him; she'd change her clothes, her hair, and her whole physical appearance for him. I've tried and tried to change her mind, but it never works. In the end I remember that I'm the second best, I'll always be second best. She'll never return my feelings for her.

_Could you be with him?  
Or was it just a lie?  
He doesn't catch you like I do.  
And you don't know why.  
You change your clothes and your hair,  
But I can't change your mind.  
Oh, I'm uninvited,  
so unrequited now._

The days go by; they all feel the same to me. It's like the worst day of my life happening over and over again. It never ends; it's all one day morphed into one, somehow. I keep hearing my conscience screaming in my head. It tells me to forget her, but I just can't get her out of my head. Why did I ever have to leave? I should have stayed, maybe if I hadn't left, maybe if I _had_ stayed it would all be different.

I keep dreaming about them, together. They're always together. I'm never in the dream, I just watch them. It's like a knife cutting through me, killing me slowly. I wish it would just end quickly. Maybe it should have been me.

_Words screaming in my head,  
"Why did you leave?"  
And I can't stop dreaming;  
Watching you and him.  
When it should have been,  
it should have been me._

It never ends, the pain, the ache, they never end. Maybe if I saw her, just to make sure that she's happy I'll know that she's gone. Somewhere in the back of my head I know that I can never have her, that she'll never love me back the same way that I love her. But I just have this feeling in my gut that she's not okay right now, that something's wrong. Funny, I can't explain what it's like or how I can feel it, but I just do.

I know now, that it should have been me. It should have been me, since the beginning. But, I guess it doesn't matter, it won't ever matter. At least not to her it won't. I think I might be ready to let go now. I can't keep holding on to her. She's just a memory now, that's all she can ever be for me now; nothing more, but never anything less.

"Jake, Bella's back." Quil said. It looked like he had been trying to avoid telling me. I think it slipped out. I nod in response. There's nothing for me to say. Instead I run.

I take off running for the cliffs. When I reach the edge, I feel the tears. I shouldn't be crying, I have no reason to. I feel the wind slip past me. I look down at the dark murky water. All of a sudden I dive forward; I hadn't planned on doing it, it just happened.

As I fell I heard something, like a voice calling to me. I ignored it. I had finally learned how to fall.

"Jake," the voice said. I recognized it now, it was Bella's voice. "I know now! It should have been you. It always should been you."

I cut through the water like a knife. It surrounded me, pulled me down. It felt so much better than the hurt that normally filled me. I felt free of everything; maybe the hurt had finally taken me. Maybe I was finally dead.

It didn't matter anymore, I didn't want to know whether it should have been me or not.

_I'm learning to fall,  
I can hardly breathe.  
When I'm going down don't worry about me;  
Don't try this at home,  
You said you don't see,  
I don't want to know that you know, it should have been me._

It never really did matter. All that mattered was Bella.


End file.
